As a child I was painfully shy. I remember knowing the answer in class, but never raising my hand to speak up. I pretended I was sick before I would ever give an oral presentation. I also remember always having perfect citizenship and seeing A’s and B’s on my report cards, but without fail the teachers would always mention my lack of participation in class. I never failed to have friends, but I was more of a follower than a leader. I hung with the “cool” kids but I always stood in their shadows. Even into high school my sense of self was always a bit skewed. I was never skinny enough. Tall enough. Smart enough. I never knew what I wanted. It was almost like there was this void that was eating away at me. I always thought a guy would be that missing piece, which we all know is a recipe for disaster. I was constantly compromising myself for everyone else’s happiness. I honestly think it took me being a mom before I truly grew into myself as a individual and was able to discover what it was I wanted.
I recently got an email from an old friend that knew me before I was a mom. A girl that used to be a mentor of sorts that I will forever love and respect but have lost touch with over the past few years. She follows my online journey and her kind words truly meant the world to me.
Hey Lindsay! I was looking through your pictures and you look so happy and confident in who you are and where you are going. I enjoy seeing and hearing about everything you are creating in your life right now! I remember when you were more quiet and reserved. When did you step into this amazing woman I always knew you were? What I mean is… Something shifted and almost like you let go and allowed yourself to shine! I am really excited to hear more about your transformation!
My heart could have burst reading this. Why is it that people pop into your life at just the right time? With the busy nature of our lives, sometimes it takes someone from your past to pop into your life and point out growth in order for you to step back and really grasp it.
So thank you anonymous friend. Thank you for pointing out what I knew but was failing to give myself credit for. You know who you are and your truly made this girls day.
And then there comes the nature of being the mom of a girl. I can’t help but relive some of my biggest struggles though her and hope she is everything I wasn’t. I wish I could give Landyn all the secrets and always whisper the right decisions in her ear, but the reality is I can only guide. I can’t control. With Landyn I will forever meet her half way. I try my best to always encourage her, build her up, and always make her feel secure. I will always support her dreams and hope she finds something she is good at and chases it. I think as parents we are always wanting better for our kids no matter how good we had it growing up. There will always be things we take away from our parents. And then there is things we choose to do without. I already see so many differences in Landyn’s personality then I was as a kid. When I look at her, I see confidence, independence, leadership. I love peaking in on her preschool class and seeing her engaged in the classroom because I never did that much. Or her ability to meet friends at the park or in a doctors office waiting room. That’s good stuff right there. Kids are constantly changing and I am very aware that she can change tomorrow, but for now I foster all these positive qualities and try my best to point them out early on.
moccasins c/o Freshly Picked
Peer pressure. Eating Disorders. Decisions about love. Life goals. She may be playing dress up now, but these are all real life topics that will have to get addressed at one time or another. Will I ever be ready to tackle such topics? I may never be. But her knowing she is loved and valued is me laying the foundation to whatever is thrown our way.
I love that I can document this journey and have this space be a testament to those I hold dear to me. A place my loved ones can always look back on. Thank you for always following along.
Leelala is on: