{via here}
This post was one of the more emotional ones I’ve sat down to write. I’ve been going back and forth with what events from the past 6 months I want to share, and how vulnerable I want to be. The truth is though, writing is my therapy. While I am not the first to experience pain and hardship, I marvel at the power of growth. Even 6 months later.
{if you are new, you can read about where I am at here}
So here I sit, fingers to the keyboard, and I write…
Where it all began…
Chris and I married in March of 2009. Our relationship was nothing short of a whirlwind. I was an immature, free spirit, living on the bank of mom and dad. I had a year left of college, yet somehow no direction for my life. I had just come face to face with death for the first time, and was barely staying afloat. Chris came into my life when I least expected, and hit me like a bolt of lightening. I’ll never forget the day I knocked on my neighbors door, his door, apartment 19. My sister had warned me about the “HOT” neighbors downstairs, and I was waiting for the perfect excuse to introduce myself. I was new to the complex, it was happy hour, and I needed to borrow some ice…the perfect in. I wore my cutest jean skirt and Ugg boots, and strutted downstairs. Erik, one of the roommates, answered the door and invited me in. The place looked like a frat house. I looked over and couldn’t help but notice the moth eaten, sunken in, afraid to even sit on it, couch to my left. Hunched over, glued to the TV, there he sat… bright orange t shirt, baseball hat pushed down over his face, completely chilling. We made eye contact…and I knew right then, I was going to be hooked.
“Hi, I’m Lindsay”.
“My sister and I just moved into apartment 21 upstairs. It’s so nice to meet you”.
“We usually have happy hour around 5 pm, so stop on by whenever”.
“Yeah, that would be great”, Chris replied.
We carried on some small talk, Erik handed me a tupperware of ice, and I was on my way.
Chris and I’s initial introduction was soon followed by hot tub dates, movie nights, bbq’s, nights out on the town, beer pong on my balcony, late night heart to hearts, beach days listening to Incubus’s greatest hits, road trips…nothing was off limits.
I think what made me crazy about Chris was that there was no holding back. I always wanted to be with someone that could run just as crazy with me. Someone that could throw all logic out the window. Chris never judged, and loved me right where I was at. He dreamed big with me. He never forced me to deal with my past, simply focused on the moment. Looking back though, I see how this set us up for failure. We ignored past hurts. Past pains. We thought our relationship was invincible. From the beginning we were on the fast track, yet somehow we were both ok with that. We were ready for whatever life threw our way.
November 2008. A positive pregnancy test.
I knew it. I was at peace with it. We were going to own this. We were scared sure, but completely ready for this next chapter.
December 31, 2008, Chris proposed on the beach in Malibu with the most gorgeous of rings. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I felt like a child being asked a life or death question, while being handed a sparkly diamond, and all I could think about was asking for my parents permission.
March 21, 2009, we married in Las Vegas in a small cermemony with our parents and my sister by our side. I was 4 months pregnant.
my sister and I on my wedding day
My wedding day was a tad bittersweet for me. At heart, I am a hopeless romantic. Even after my blueprint being pulled from beneath me this year, I still believe in happily ever after. I believe my fairy tale is out there just waiting for me to grab it by the reins. My wedding day was completely different than what I had always envisioned. It was a wham bam thank you maa’m sequence of events. I always pictured my daddy walking me down the aisle. My sister as my maid of honor, my best friends as my bridesmaids. Photos of my makeup artist bestie, making me beautiful. A kick butt bachelorette party. Showers. Our first dance. Dancing with my daddy. The PHOTOS.
I wanted to be celebrated. I wanted to be the center of the universe for just a moment in time. Every girl deserves that right?
Looking back, I realize we cut ourselves short. I was too caught up in the opinions of others, and sacrificed my inner most dreams.
If I could go back knowing what I know now, I would have thrown other peoples views of “being pregnant out of wed lock” and stomped on them. My heart was never 100% in it. Maybe if we built on our relationship, things would have been different. I painted a picture like I was happy and life was perfect, but deep down I wasn’t so sure. I went with it and did what I thought was the right thing to do.
{via here}
August 5, 2009 was hands down, the best day of my life.
Landyn Noella was brought into this world on an early Wednesday morning, and life suddenly made sense. I recommitted my life to my family, and threw all selfish desires out the window. From the outside, I had what looked like the perfect life. Successful husband. Healthy baby girl. Stay at home Momma. Our first house.
How could I not be blissfully happy?
As many of you know, becoming a momma for the first time brings on the best ahhh moment.
Suddenly your purpose in life is complete. But something inside me was still searching.
I wanted a deeper purpose that branched outside of family.
So I started this blog.
Not only did blogging shun light on my passions, but it gave me a feeling of worth. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this world.
My feelings for once were validated. I was heard.
My tummy still gets butterflies thinking about it.
Each time I clicked publish, I walked deeper into my happy place.
It brought about an inner happiness, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. People noticed me.
I would stay up into the wee hours of the night reading my favorite blogs, discovering new ones. Becoming inspired. Escaping my reality.
Around Landyn’s first birthday, I began receiving a tremendous amount of pressure to have another baby. I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready physically, emotionally, or mentally, and I began to use my “sick as a dog” pregnancy with Landyn as my perfect excuse. I was certain though, that time would change my perspective. Another year passed. I still wasn’t ready. I felt guilty. I began bargaining with myself. But why, I wondered? I always wanted a big family. I soon discovered that I was masking my real truth. I wasn’t happy in my marriage, and I knew darn well that bringing another child into the equation was not the answer. People started resenting me.
Looking back, I don’t think there was ever a point where Chris and I were completely stable. It was just a matter of owning up to it. I think I knew all along something wasn’t right, but it took me rediscovering myself to truly see things clearly.
We both began to flounder. Soon we were leading two completely different lives.
For once, I began to do things for myself, and was getting a high on my independence.
October 2011, I visited my best friend in Kentucky.
{Maysville, Kentucky}
I spent a good majority of my trip crying on Allison’s shoulder. My unhappiness busted at the seams, and it felt so freeing to have it made known. In no way does me going to Kentucky and my divorce parallel each other. It was simply an experience that opened my eyes and validated my feelings for the first time in forever. I rediscovered the ME that had been trapped for so long.
I began to vision my perfect life.
That’s all it took for me to realize, I wasn’t living that.
I didn’t see myself in my current situation forever. I began to feel extremely guilty.
Did my happiness really matter? Did I have it all wrong? Was I truly putting Landyn’s best interest forward?
We all make mistakes, have trials, overcome hardship, and feel less that stellar about our marriage, and this is completely ok.
It’s how you own up to it, that makes all the difference.
I knew exactly what I wanted, and this wasn’t it. I knew one day Chris and I would make the best of friends, but at this time in our life we were far to gone.
I felt like I was in the midst of this crazy current, hanging onto a rock for dear life. I could either let go and see where life takes me, or drown in my unhappiness.
November 2011, our marriage was over.
Landyn and I, November 2011
While I am a constant work in progress, I am learning to look beyond the constricting definition our society places on “normalcy”. No family is perfect, no situation is ideal. Our stories are always evolving. I never saw myself living this reality the day I walked into apartment 19. I never would have believed you if you told me I had divorce in my cards. The reality is, I am starting over, and there is nothing wrong with it. My daughter will be far more blessed with a mommy and daddy that are happy.
{Via here}
I was ready to break down that white picket fence and face my fears. And fears, oh did I feel them. The irony is, once I began truly living this new life, I saw my fears as the gateway to opportunity. Opportunity for a far more beautiful life.
{to be con’t.}
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lori says
05.20.12 at 5:31 pmSo brave for sharing your story. I hope you find happiness and peace in your decision 🙂
Hanna says
05.20.12 at 8:42 pmI love you. I love this. I am so honored to have been able to share this with you. You are a brave soul and a beautiful one. Don’t you ever forget it! LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!!
Danielle says
05.21.12 at 9:12 amI love that you are transparent enough to share your story and I think you’re brave for making the decision that you did for your happiness and the happiness of those around you. I’m sure it didn’t feel like the best decision at times, but you are so strong and so brave and I pray everything gets easier and happier with each day. Lots of love to you and Miss Landyn! <3
Leslie says
05.21.12 at 10:55 amStopping in from SITS to say hello! Blogging is such a great way to get pieces of yourself OUT of yourself, if that makes sense. I’m all about authentic blogging, which means writing without caring what other think or feel about what you write, because all that matters is that it comes from YOU. Bless. Leslie.
Rachel @ My Happily Ever After says
05.21.12 at 2:30 pmyou are so brave to share all of this and i hope that it truly is therapeutic for you! you deserve to be happy and your baby girl deserves to have happy parents…you are so strong to realize what was going on and take steps toward a better future. you are going to come out of this thriving!
Melanie says
05.21.12 at 4:24 pmI’m proud of you. What you did was not easy. I can relate to so much of this post. I wasn’t with Grace’s dad and Anthony and I got married after Olivia was born. I had to morn the loss of a wedding I dreamed of. It’s not easy 🙁
Christina says
05.21.12 at 6:17 pmThank you for sharing this raw, honest side of your story! You are an inspiration to SO many! You are amazing and I love all the beauty you (and your blog) bring to my life! You are awesome!!!!! 🙂
Marissa @ Momma Rake says
05.21.12 at 10:08 pmYou are so brave momma!! Honesty is such a rare on refreshing quality on a blog! Thank you!! I just adore you!! XOXO!!!
Just The Two Of Us says
05.22.12 at 5:35 amI’m proud of you for telling your story. It takes a real women to do that. You are growing in more ways than one. Thank you for being honest. This is just the beginning of your faily tale life,,,, just wait and see! xoxo
Stacey says
05.22.12 at 8:51 amThank you for your openness and honesty in sharing your story. It’s something that I have admired and appreciated about you and your blog since I first started reading 🙂 You are a brave and beautiful woman! God Bless!
Dani says
05.22.12 at 2:12 pmOMG…girlfriend…way to speak your heart…
This:
“The irony is, once I began truly living this new life, I saw my fears as the gateway to opportunity. Opportunity for a far more beautiful life.
Is exactly where I’m at!
xo,
Dani
Jenni says
05.23.12 at 4:07 pmI love that you are sharing your story in such a raw and vulnerable way, Lindsay. I’m sure it touches more people than you could imagine. 🙂
Katie says
05.24.12 at 10:58 amI love that you are brave enough to share your story! It’s has definitely touched me! It’s amazing what I’ve learned about myself through writing, it’s therapeutic for me too. Keep writing girl, you’re touching more people than you realize!
Noël says
05.24.12 at 4:53 pmThank you so much for sharing this. I really can’t even imagine what you still must be feeling only 6 months out from a major life change like this. I sure hope you have a good support system, outside of the blog world of course. I really love the quote in the pic, “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” that is so very true. I hope you are able to find what it is you are looking for. BTW your lil one’s middle name is a good one 🙂 very close to my heart!
Theresa says
05.24.12 at 4:57 pmLindsay, thank you for linking up. I am sorry to hear all that you have been through. I think it’s awesome that you shared it, there are so many people going through things like this and your words may help them. I hope you find your perfect life some day!
Mary says
05.24.12 at 5:12 pmI came over from Life in Bloom. I’ve read a lot of your story…sorry you have been through tough times. I’ll be praying for you.
Summer @ Made By Munchie's Mama says
05.25.12 at 2:02 pmThank you so much for so bravely sharing your journey and yourself with your readers. I know that this post will help some one some where with a struggle that they are going through. I know that we go through trials in life more many reasons, one of them is being able to help each other through this crazy life. I am so looking forward to meeting you in June and being around your incredible spirit!
Summer
Melissa Say What? says
05.26.12 at 6:51 amYour story is VERY similar, in fact uncannily to mine. My son is now 6 days from his 13th birthday. His father and I make much better friends then we ever did as husband/wife. We were able to raise our son together by constant communication and “visitation”. That’s the stinky part for my son, but here we are today and he’s fine.
Stopping by from SITS! First time SITS and first time visitor to your site!
Robin says
05.26.12 at 6:57 amThank you for sharing your story. Over 14 years ago, I made a decision to divorce my husband. My daughter was 4 at the time and my son was not even a year old, but it was a decision I had to make. I really felt lost and sooo lonely. Last week, my daughter graduated from high school. I was so proud, but for reason some would not know. I did it! I raised these kids on my own and created a happy life! It was hard, but looking back, I know that the divorce was one of the best things I ever did. There was so many wonderful moments over the years. I still am single, but I am not lonely and I have no regrets. My son will be next to leave home for college in a few years, so I am now faced with a new chapter which I find both exciting and scary. However, I know that I can do it because of that hard time I was faced in my 30s. I also know that sometimes things not working out is the best stroke of luck! Best wishes to you. Please know you are not alone and happiness is still there even when you are feeling sad, lonely, or scared. All you need to do it lift your head up and realize it is there.
With Love,
Robin
Lindsay @ Delighted Momma says
05.28.12 at 9:05 pmYou are such a great writer Lindsay and I really admire you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. I can imagine how hard it was to hit publish on this one…but this is exactly what I love about you and your blog. It is real and honest and YOU. xoxo
Mandi Durborough says
06.01.12 at 1:54 pmYou are so strong.
Joni LeBaron says
06.03.12 at 12:16 amIt is so nice to hear that a stay at home mama is not perfectly happily married like most people seem to be, I started blogging recently and I have been having BIG marriage problems after 10 years of marriage {actually we always have, he has clearly chosen alcohol over me and our kids}, but like you I feel so guilty and selfish, but if I stay I think I might seriously die from all this bitterness…… I really believe I needed to read this, thank You so much for sharing.
We apparently don’t have to be perfect in our marriages to have a good blog..
Divorce is such a hard thing because it’s not what I want but I can’t change him either, haha… I can just go on and on I with I could talk to you or somebody like you did with your best friend, somebody that will tell me I will be fine and it is a good choice {not a single person is on my side about getting a divorce}, so it makes me wonder if I’m crazy but they are not living my life… Again thank You, and I can’t wait to read part:2 of your story
Andi says
12.02.12 at 7:33 amsuch an honest and humble post about a very difficult part of your story. thank you for sharing it with us, friend!
gayle @ grace for gayle says
12.03.12 at 10:31 amThank you for sharing your story. I keep seeing the same quote over and over, usually plastered on some kind of inspirational photo or something. It’s something along the lines of “No matter what your circumstances, there is always always always always always something to be thankful for.” I kind of agree, but sometimes we have to look harder than others.
God totally blessed you with an amazing daughter. Do not be defined by your past. Let it be your story, but don’t let it define you. You’re amazing!!!
Hugs! Gayle from graceforgayle.blogspot.com