The Blonde Lab

by Lindsay Baltimore

By

My Secret, TOLD!


I have a secret that has been wanting to come out for some time.
The truth is, I am scared…
Will you judge me?
 Think of me different?
Feel sorry for me?
I originally wrote this post back in March, but haven’t had the courage to PUBLISH my post.
…….
Not many people know this about me, because I am a pro at masking my feelings.
But today,
I choose to share with you, in hopes that you can better understand the person that sits behind this keyboard.
This is me. raw, vulnerable, REAL.
I’ve struggled with painful insecurity.
That’s right, me and every other girl
{you may be saying to yourself}.
THIS is my story:
When I was in the second grade, my parents got divorced. If this isn’t the biggest heart breakfor a child, I don’t know what is. They tried to make it work (4 times) for my sister and I, but were unsuccessful.Throughout a good majority of my adolescence, I would spend weekends with my Dad, and cry my eyes out the entire time because I missed my mom.
This lead to a great deal of anxiety.
Anxiety about where I would be going next…
Who would be picking me up from school?
What would my friends think?
As a result, I started biting my nails and getting HORID cold sores from STRESS.
I remember having a panic attack on the way to school one day. I could not breath and wasn’t sure I would live to see my 9th birthday.
My past caught up to me in high school.
I was painfully shy.
I had my group of friends, but never ventured outside of that.
I would know the answer in class, but was to afraid to raise my hand.
I didn’t have enough confidence to try out for dance (my dream), even though it was always natural to me.
Eating became an issue. I have always been a small girl, but I was CONVINCED I was fat. I would NOT be seen in a bathing suit.
I remember being JEALOUS of my best friend because she had the perfect family, perfect house, perfect life. Why couldn’t I have all that?
My parents would buy me things because they felt guilty.Going to an all girls school helped me hide behind my mask. I didn’t have to compete for a guys attention. In fact, I didn’t have to deal with the opposite sex PERIOD! I wore a uniform so I didn’t have to dress to impress.In college, there were days (more often then not), that I would drive all the way to class and not have the COURAGE to get out of my car. I felt UGLY. FAT. GROSS. AWKWARD. I failed an ENTIRE year of school because I was too insecure to go to class.My first LOVE came around my junior year of college. Sure I had dated before, but this time I gave my heart away.
For the first time in my life, someone told me I was beautiful and smart and took notice in me.
Unfortunately, I was vulnerable, weak, destructive…
{recipe for disaster}
I was looking for LOVE in all the wrong places.
It took me to hit rock bottom before I realized I needed HELP!I am sure you are waiting for some sort of recovery story, but that I haven’t quite mastered.
What I can tell you is that I am a constant work in progress.
I have learned to take it one day at a time.
I still have days where I feel less confident than others.
Days where I’d like to call in sick.

insecurity, anxiety, secret, lindsay roberts Sara Driscoll Photography

What I can tell you, 
is my sweet baby girl, has been the best medicine of them all. Getting kisses from her, is all I’ve ever wanted in this life. The day I became a momma, most of this INSECURITY went out the window. Truly the best gift I could ever ask for.

Today,
I strive to be more bold in my choices.
To shrug things off.
NOT CARE what others think.
Not take MYSELF or life too seriously…

Why did I reveal such a secret from my life?
Because this blog is ME.
I don’t want to hide anymore.
I want you to know where I come from.

So many blogs paint a picture of “Perfection”,
and we love them for it.
That’s not me though.
My life isn’t an orderly home, 5 course meal every night, and perfectly well behaved children.
In my life, the puzzle pieces don’t always fit perfectly.
Yet, somehow, we manage.

This blog has been such a blessing for me. It has allowed me to reveal more of myself to you in hopes of helping just one person going through a similar circumstance. Revealing such an intimate part of my life is THERAPY for me.  I like to believe I am an open book. My story is my gift to you! THAT is why I do this!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing so much of YOU with all of us! I love love love you blog!

    THANKS for being you!

    Reply

  2. Thanks for being real and open. It's hard, but in reality everyone has "crap" in their life. Super glad that I found your blog.

    Reply

  3. Girl it only makes me have more respect and love for you! I went through a very similar upbringing so I can relate to you SO much! I am so glad you have a wonderful supportive husband and such a sweet little family! It is amazing what wounds that can heal.

    Hugs my sweet friend!

    Reply

  4. Thank you for sharing this and being so open and honest. IT breaks my heart for all the pain you had to go through and makes me cry for my niece and nephew (who I am very close to) who are entering this world of divorce themselves.
    It is encouraging to see that you are not crushed, you are fighting for the truth that you are worth more than what you have believed. You are not alone in this, we all feel like we are "too much, or not enough" and it does paralyze us..but we fight for the truth!
    Thanks for the reminder!

    Reply

  5. It takes a lot of courage to be real and honest and publish a post like this, thank you for sharing with all of us. We love you!

    Reply

  6. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life! Your blog is one of my favorites because you always seem so real. Someone I respect a lot once told me that until you make yourself vulnerable by being completely yourself its impossible to really connect with other people. Its such a hard thing to do but I have so much respect for people who do that. And I keep working on being able to do more of it myself.

    Reply

  7. OH wow. I can totally relate. Same deal: parents divorced, anxiety attacks and shyness. Being shy totally sucked. I hated it. Spent every waking moment with friends and their 'normal'families.

    I think everyone is a work in progress annnnnnnnnd look at how far you have come! You deserve the many blessings that have come your way. You are beautiful. Your blog rocks. And I'm glad you are real. I don't read blogs that are sugar-coated. No ma'am.

    Can I tell ya a secret? We have a cooler of beer {from last weekend's beach trip} sitting in our living room. Why is it still there? Because it's serving as a toddler barrier – it keeps Eva away from the back door. OH and it provides sofa-side service to her parents.

    Cheers!

    Reply

  8. oh lindsay, i want to give you a big, big hug! you are so special! and God loves you SO much! there is nothing YOU need to do to feel better about yourself, except to trust that God has it all under control. i'm so happy he's given you a wonderful family to love you, and so many friends to admire you. i dream of the day i get to hug you for reals!! -em

    Reply

  9. Bless your heart, you are so brave and honest to do this. I think you might be surprised to know how many of your fellow bloggers have struggles too, similar to what you are talking about. You have a lovely blog and a beautiful family. I like that you and your blog are 'real'. xo

    Reply

  10. Very brave and beautifully written! There is no doubt you've helped someone through this post. Way to keep it real girl!

    Reply

  12. Lindsay I can realate to your story. Divorce is just the worst. My mom had an affair in our hometown while I was in high school and would go on dates where my friends worked…I was sad disgusted and went through similar struggles and fought some pretty tough battles with myself as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story..maybe one day I will be brave enough!

    Reply

  14. You are an amazing woman, strong, beautiful, kind, loving, sweet, talented, genuine and all around pretty awesome person. Your ability to be so open is why we all adore you so much!! Love ya, girl!!!

    Reply

  15. Thank you so much for sharing this. You may not have thought so but so many other women(myself included!) can relate to this too. Sending lot of love to you for having the courage to post this. ♥♥

    Reply

  16. Lindsay I love everything about this post. Thank you SO much for sharing your story! Heart you!!!

    Reply

  17. Great post! Thank you for sharing this "raw" side of you. It's refreshing to hear other peoples honest, true, experiences and feelings instead of the candy coated world that blogging can sometimes be! 🙂

    Have a great weekend! 🙂

    Reply

  19. I absolutely love your honesty! You are brave and kind and inspiring and I adore your writing style and your blog!

    Reply

  20. I understand insecurity. I have also delt with it. What you wrote was beautiful. I read So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore. It literally changed my life for the better. I am much more secure and it is wonderful. You should look into it if you have not.

    Reply

  22. Your post is so endearing. Life isn't fair for so many kids. My story is similar to yours, I give you huge kudos for having the courage to tell it. A loving husband and precious daughter is a huge gift which absolutely makes life more fulfilling. Keep on getting up every day with hope in your heart and try as hard as you can. Love reading your blog, thanks for sharing. I'll think about this all day.

    Reply

  23. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
    My parents divorced when I was 15 and it was an incredibly difficult time, with both my younger sister and I being used as pawns. Maybe I'll tell my story, maybe I won't, but just by you posting this it's given me the knowledge that I'm okay.
    And I so agree; my little family of three is the very best medicine. 🙂

    Reply

  24. Ohhhh Lindz, you and your crazy life you live!!! I love you dearly and always praying for you my friend!! Miss you much and cannot wait to see you sometime soon!

    Reply

  25. um, hello i am late to this parade, but i love you and your honesty. i love that there is no recovery story, that every day is a battle and a struggle, because that is how most REAL stories go on. The pain never ends. You just learn to cope with it. Thank you again girly 🙂

    Reply

  26. You told your story so beautiful and thank you so much for sharing. I so much share some of the same anxiety issues too and can honestly say life is so challenging sometimes. I have yet to be blessed with someone like your husband or sweet baby girl to aide in my insecurities, but your story gives me hope that someday hopefully soon I'll be able to find Mr Right instead of Mr Right now and start a family of my own that will help me become more confident in myself.

    Reply

  27. wow thanks for sharing and opening up…I love what you said at the end that "this is ME" . Just how God made you, no hiding. I was blessed by your story and will carry it with me today as I meditate on my own insecurities with the Lord. Love to you friend!!!

    Reply

  28. Thanks for sharing this! Thanks for being REAL!!
    PS: You are BEAUTIFUL!
    (Popping over from the wiegands!)

    Reply

  29. Lindsay, my darling beautiful friend. This post broke my heart a little. I am so glad you decided to share it with us. I'm sorry you had some rough times in your childhood. It's amazing how much we carry those things into our adulthood. I just want you to know that you are beautiful, your talented, your creative, your a wonderful mother and wife and I am so proud to call you my friend. And it's amazing how wonderful children are for the soul. I have similarly found that my children have healed many old wounds. Blessings to you and your beautiful family.

    xoxo Hanna

    Reply

  30. Thank you! Thank you for being so honest. Truth is those blogs that paint a picture of perfection most times are all a farce. No one's life is perfect and honestly it takes a STRONGER, more CONFIDENT & ASSURED woman to be able to be this honest! I'm proud of you – you may have it more together than many of us and not even realize it! You're not hiding from your struggles at all – you're facing them head on & you should be so proud! Your daughter will see that strength in your & she'll learn & grow from your example!

    Reply

  31. You are so flippin amazing girly, thanks for sharing, and for all of your honesty. You have such a beautiful family, and so many wonderful talents:)

    Reply

  32. Bless your heart for sharing such a painful story. My ex and I divorced when our daughter was 5. She also suffers from insecurity that I attribute to our divorce although we certainly tried to be amicable. (She's 30 now.) Stay strong.

    Reply

  34. Thank you so much Lindsay for being so courageous and sharing such a personal secret with us. My parents are still together after 33 years but I completely understand dealing with intense anxiety and insecurity. Thankfully I'm learning how to be comfortable with who I am and embrace my uniqueness rather than try to hide it. So, thank you for being brave, honest, and inspiring. You're beautiful and strong and I appreciate your openness.

    Reply

  35. I didn't have the same painful childhood but struggled with significant insecurities as well. Having children, particularly a daughter, has helped me tremendously. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  36. wow Lindsay, I know exactly what you are feeling. My Father died when I was 8 {cancer} and I had to immediately step up and become the responsible one to my younger sister and brother. My childhood was rough as well but I believe it molds us into the beautiful people we are today. It makes us stronger, sympathetic, and great Mommies because we don't want our children to have to go through the same struggles.

    Anyway, I'm here if you want to talk 🙂 Thank you for being honest. I love getting to know the REAL person behind the blog. That's also why I started the "who am I really" on mine.

    Just remember you are beautiful, and talented, and from what I can see, you are an amazing momma! Thanks for keepin' it real! xoxo

    Reply

  37. hey Lindsay! i'm just sitting here on the puter bored and i was thinking of you 🙂 thanks for being so sweet to me and for being such a great bloggy friend! xoxo

    Reply

  38. Wow. Sharing your heart has to be tough. Thank you for being real. Thank you for being transparent. You have an amazing blog and talent with quite the following. I'd say you're right where you need to be, girl! Keep it up! 🙂

    Reply

  39. Lindsay – thank you for sharing this post with us. My parents also divorced when I was young and I grew up bouncing around between homes and hating my visits to my father because he lived in terrible conditions. This Father's Day has been difficult for me because we're no longer speaking. Anyway, enough about me, thank you for sharing & being brave.

    Reply

  40. I have so much appreciation for bloggers who are real. Thank you for sharing your "secret" with us. We can all relate in some way. Keep growing and discovering the beauty you have to share with the world!

    Reply

  41. Thank you for sharing!

    I have been on a similar journey recently of self reflection and seeing if I was becoming who I wanted to be and to check to see if I was being the real me. I had to take a hard look at myself and those around me and see what others were seeing in me. I have learned a lot!

    Sometimes I stop myself before posting because I worry about what others think, so THANK YOU for helping me to remember that I started it for me.

    Reply

  42. Thank you for this post. I am going through a rough patch of insecurity lately, and it is hard to deal with. Reading this genuine and honest post helped me feel like I am not alone, and that there is hope. Some days are worse than others for me, and because of reading this, today is going to be a good day.

    Reply

  43. You and I are a set of the new generation of adults who will probably never get divorced because of the broken homes and abandonment we suffered as children.

    We all have two chances at a positive parent/child relationship. I am glad you are taking charge of your 2nd chance and making it count!

    A lot of us have this "secret". It's a really painful one.

    Peace to you.

    Reply

  44. Your story touched my heart, I can relate so much to your story. Im just wondering if I will ever be able to get out of this dark place im at right now. Your story is inspirational!

    Reply

  45. Wow, thank you for sharing. I went through so many similar situations with my parents divorce as well. The anxiety, depression and all that stuff.

    I love that you shared! And so glad I found your blog!

    Love, Melanie

    Reply

  47. goodness gracious, this sounds EXACTLY like myself!! like seriously, it sounds like whats been going on in my head for YEARS! My parents divorce when I was 13 and my dad became a really bad alcoholic during and after that. The divorce + my parents still hating each other + my dads drinking made me soooo anxious and i still have bad anxiety problems. I always anticipated huge fights with them, never knew what was going to happen at each house and on and on. I had (and still have, but am better) extreme eating issues and even at my thinnest weight I thought I was disgusting, fat, repulsive and just nasty…looking back on it I looked amazing and even TOO skinny! I still feel this way about myself but I am getting better : / I was too scared to try out for the cheer squad in HS even though I knew i’d make it and had been cheering for 4 previous years. I was WAY too scared to know that the whole school would be staring at me and thinking i was the fat nasty cheer leader even though i really wasnt! I am so glad I found your blog, even if I didnt find it on the best circumstances 😉 So good to see you’re doing well!!

    Reply

  48. I SO relate to this post. The parts about being too insecure to get out of your car could have been written by me. I actually wrote a post close to this on my blog not long ago. I feel like I’m more secure than I used to be, but still (often!) have those days when I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. I have thought that once I become a momma, maybe I will finally be sure of myself…but I don’t want to rely on that. I’m so glad I came across your blog and found this post. I hope that you are doing well.

    Reply

  49. Hi Lindsey. I found your site through Ashley’s at Little Miss Momma. I can relate to everything you posted in your story. I’ve had the same friends since high school and rarely get out to mingle with the real world…and can’t bring myself to mingle with the digital community as well…I’m an antisocial insecure mess, who is also on antidepressants (which by the way have run out…so I haven’t had them in almost two weeks, so I’m a worse mess than normal…lol). Thanks for sharing your story, and please know that you are not alone. Christ is always with you, and you have friends that love you. Sometimes I think I should take my own advice, but then again, what do I know? lol. I’m glad I found your blog, and hope to continue to read it. Oh, and by the way, my parents divorced when I was 12. I had two younger sisters, and their divorce was finalized in June…my dad remarried my mom’s best friend in November, and my mom remarried in February…talk about shell shock. =)

    Reply

  51. Thank you for sharing! I found this post after reading this guest blog post: http://www.littlemissmomma.com/2011/10/an-honest-look-at-depression.html

    I can totally relate. I was forced to lie to my parents and continue to do so at 40 just because it makes things easier. So I deal with the stress so I don’t have the guilt of making them feel bad about something. It is getting so much harder now with 2 babies and the fact that I am 40 and have no energy to keep up with their games. I admitted myself to a treatment facility at 18/19 yrs old it was tough and my family did not understand why. I don’t think anyone in my current life besides my husband and parents even know this truth about me. I struggle with medication. I want to take it but I am not good at doing it every day, I have had to play around with them lately because they were all making me sick. Depression is a very isolating thing to deal with.

    Reply

  52. I found your blog thru your guest post today on Casey’s page. Was hooked and have been reading and have open tabs to read more!! I can relate… parents divorced, dad alcoholic, friends at school, cold sore, anxiety attacks… I was 9. Crazy.. I then became a drug addict have been 5 years clean. I am good at masking, painting pretty pictures… but have recently been more open and decided to start a blog. Behind every screen there is a real person. I love what you said about “waiting for the recovery story” because everyday it really is a work in progress. Anyways, new follower and love your blog!!

    Reply

  53. Your story is heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. I’m so glad I saw your guest post for
    Casey and that I got to read your story. I can relate with parts of your past, as I lived some of those moments too. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to write this, much less live it ALL. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Reply

  54. You have inspired me more than you know. Only a handful of people know about my anxiety disorder and my battle with coming off of Lexapro. I feel so encouraged by you… and not so alone. Thank you!

    Reply

  55. You are so incredible and amazing!! I have seen your story before but have been too afraid to comment until now. I cannot even begin to tell you how much appreciate your honesty, strength, and courage. You have helped me SO MUCH to be more honest about my own anxiety and depression. You have helped me feel not alone in this whole process. Thank you so much for sharing your story even when it was really difficult to you. You are just so amazing, truly!!

    Reply

  56. Wow….I feel like you wrote this FOR me from my own brain! Terrible anxiety from an early age, eating issues, extreme body image issues etc. And I know the second I give birth to my one day child I will feel the same way as you when you said thats all you have ever wanted. That is literally all I have ever wanted, somebody to love me unconditionally (although I think my husband does 🙂 and let me be he world..even if its just for a few years.

    Reply

  57. Ok what the heck, I was just going through the comments here and noticed I had already commented over a year ago! How weird is that?!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *