photo credit: Bows & Arrow Photography
I’ve come to realize that fear is something I struggle with. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death. Fear of what other people think. I was sitting outside yesterday afternoon watching Landyn play and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so blessed. I have my health. I have a beautiful home. I get to be home everyday to watch my daughter grow up. I don’t have a boss to answer too. I have the most supportive boyfriend that loves me unconditionally and makes me a better person with each passing day. I have parents that people only wish for. So if I have so many blessings in my life, why the hell do I let fear hold me down? Why do I let it rob me of joy? Why can’t I live in the present and trust goodness for my life?
I truly believe that the only way to have complete peace in your life it to have a relationship with God. Me and religion comes in waves. I believe, but I am disconnected. I want to find my place in a church, but I am not sure where I fit in. Some of the people I admire most in this life are Godly women. They radiate joy and peace. Their inner beauty shines through. I envy them truly. I wish I could be half the women they are.
I tend to convince myself that I am the only person on this earth that suffers from panic attacks. That I am the only single mother entrepreneur trying to provide for her and her daughter. Should I go back to the corporate world so I “appear” more stable? That I am screwing up as a mother. That because I am a single mom I need to compensate elsewhere by being super model skinny or financially successful.
Where do you draw the line? When is enough enough? I waste so much time talking myself down from fear and worry. I know exactly how to calm myself and the power of breathing and exercise. So why does this stuff continue to paralyze? Why can’t I let up on myself?
I wish I could end this post with all the answers. But the reality is, I have none. I think this is why I have been so distant from this space. If I am going to share, I believe I must have some sort of resolution. I know people out there struggle with similar feelings and want answers. I know that the 30,000 page views a month aren’t just strangers. They are family, friends, acquaintances at my daughters preschool and dance class, my boyfriends family and friends. I fear appearing weak in their eyes. Blogging can be a very vulnerable place. And because of that I wonder at what point will I close the book all together. Do I want to embark on this next chapter of life and let the world in on it too?
For now, I am going to come here and just let my raw emotions unfold. Sometimes my thoughts might be jumbled or sentences won’t be complete. I apologize in advance. Maybe I’ll throw a cuss word in here and there. But I’m working on being more open about my fears because they are real and we all struggle with them.
Why isn’t it the things worth saying that we are most afraid of?