**I started to write this post on Saturday, but let it sit in my archives while little voices in my head told me not to click publish. My goal is to bring awareness on this topic because I know there are so many struggling.**
Typically I don’t blog on weekends. I like my weekends to be spent disconnected from social media so that my brain can recharge. But my computer was calling me today. Landyn is in her room napping and today I’m fingers to the keyboard. These mid day writing sessions are actually a great time of reflection. Our house is situated in a little valley amongst rolling hills, horse property, and agricultural land so as you can imagine it’s always pretty quiet. And it’s times like this where silence is golden, that I’m reminded how blessed I am to live where I do. The only noise to be heard is a dog barking 2 miles away, and my neighbors tractor plowing dirt through their orchard.
I’m going to get a little candid on you today. These open posts seem to be far and few between lately because truthfully, the vulnerability is too much at times. I’m always afraid of saying too much, or having it affect my daughter in some way. Maybe my words will come back to haunt me. These are all very real feelings, but when I think about my theme here and what my readers are drawn too, it’s always when I am most open.
Back in October, I went through two months of terrible anxiety. The heart racing, short of breath, dizzy, butterflies in your stomach kind of anxiety. I found it to be worse in the morning, but it would creep up on me at any given time. I could be out to dinner with my favorite girl friends and start to have a panic attack. There was no rhyme or reason for my anxious feelings, they would just pop their evil head.
So I did what I do best, I went to the worse case scenario. Rather than identifying these as anxiety triggered “panic attacks”, I convinced myself that there was really something wrong with me. Sure I’ve dealt with anxiety before in the past, but nothing like this. There was no relief. I eventually went to my doctor, but I knew inside of me how to tackle this one. While life seemed to be going my way and I’ve never been happier in my personal life, I knew somethings were affecting me more than they should, and I needed an outsider to help me work through it.
I’ve gone to counseling in the past when things aren’t going well for me. The separation of my parents, the death of a friend, a breakup, a divorce. So naturally, I’ve always associated “counseling” as a negative. But what I have come to realize is that counseling shouldn’t be sought just in the bad times. Sometimes it’s in the best of times when life is going your way, that we choose to invest in ourselves and our relationships. We always seek to be a better version of ourselves and I knew I had some layers I wanted to peel back. I wanted to better understand my past and why things worked out the way they did. I wanted to be a better mom, girlfriend, friend, daughter. And I absolutely did not want the past to repeat itself. I was on the right track generally speaking, and I wanted to do everything the right way this time around.
So the first time in my life, I have stuck with it and have gained some much wisdom. I’m learning to ease up on myself and not take life so seriously. I’m finding more joy in everyday situations. I’m letting myself take a nap on days when Landyn naps and not cram in 2 more hours of work. I’m enjoying hot tub dates with Josh after Landyn goes to bed at night and putting my phone and computer down for an hour. I’m letting myself cook no fuss meals or being ok with take out. I’m trying to incorporate exercise into my daily routine. I’m calling my best friend to catch up when I have an extra 10 minutes in my day and not feel pressure to catch up on my social media channels. I’ve cut out caffeine and have replaced that habit with more water. I’m learning to say no and not overcommit myself. Im taking fifteen minute walks around the lake to admire my beautiful hometown before preschool pick up. I’m not letting toxic people affect me anymore. I’m worrying less and trusting more. Im breathing.
And you want to know what? I woke up one day and the nervous feelings were gone. As soon as I started listening to my body, speaking my mind, and talking through my past, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. If something makes me anxious, I deal with it and move on.
I know there are so many out there that struggle with anxiety. I have definitely not mastered the topic, but I am writing this to bring awareness to the issue. What works for you? How do you cope with anxious feelings?
Your comments all light up my day. So thank you.
Leelala is on: