As a child I was painfully shy. I remember knowing the answer in class, but never raising my hand to speak up. I pretended I was sick before I would ever give an oral presentation. I also remember always having perfect citizenship and seeing A’s and B’s on my report cards, but without fail the teachers would always mention my lack of participation in class. I never failed to have friends, but I was more of a follower than a leader. I hung with the “cool” kids but I always stood in their shadows. Even into high school my sense of self was always a bit skewed. I was never skinny enough. Tall enough. Smart enough. I never knew what I wanted. It was almost like there was this void that was eating away at me. I always thought a guy would be that missing piece, which we all know is a recipe for disaster. I was constantly compromising myself for everyone else’s happiness. I honestly think it took me being a mom before I truly grew into myself as a individual and was able to discover what it was I wanted.
I recently got an email from an old friend that knew me before I was a mom. A girl that used to be a mentor of sorts that I will forever love and respect but have lost touch with over the past few years. She follows my online journey and her kind words truly meant the world to me.
Hey Lindsay! I was looking through your pictures and you look so happy and confident in who you are and where you are going. I enjoy seeing and hearing about everything you are creating in your life right now! I remember when you were more quiet and reserved. When did you step into this amazing woman I always knew you were? What I mean is… Something shifted and almost like you let go and allowed yourself to shine! I am really excited to hear more about your transformation!
My heart could have burst reading this. Why is it that people pop into your life at just the right time? With the busy nature of our lives, sometimes it takes someone from your past to pop into your life and point out growth in order for you to step back and really grasp it.
So thank you anonymous friend. Thank you for pointing out what I knew but was failing to give myself credit for. You know who you are and your truly made this girls day.
And then there comes the nature of being the mom of a girl. I can’t help but relive some of my biggest struggles though her and hope she is everything I wasn’t. I wish I could give Landyn all the secrets and always whisper the right decisions in her ear, but the reality is I can only guide. I can’t control. With Landyn I will forever meet her half way. I try my best to always encourage her, build her up, and always make her feel secure. I will always support her dreams and hope she finds something she is good at and chases it. I think as parents we are always wanting better for our kids no matter how good we had it growing up. There will always be things we take away from our parents. And then there is things we choose to do without. I already see so many differences in Landyn’s personality then I was as a kid. When I look at her, I see confidence, independence, leadership. I love peaking in on her preschool class and seeing her engaged in the classroom because I never did that much. Or her ability to meet friends at the park or in a doctors office waiting room. That’s good stuff right there. Kids are constantly changing and I am very aware that she can change tomorrow, but for now I foster all these positive qualities and try my best to point them out early on.
moccasins c/o Freshly Picked
Peer pressure. Eating Disorders. Decisions about love. Life goals. She may be playing dress up now, but these are all real life topics that will have to get addressed at one time or another. Will I ever be ready to tackle such topics? I may never be. But her knowing she is loved and valued is me laying the foundation to whatever is thrown our way.
I love that I can document this journey and have this space be a testament to those I hold dear to me. A place my loved ones can always look back on. Thank you for always following along.
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Rashayna says09.19.13 at 9:04 pm
Absolutely beautiful and thank you for sharing your heart! As I was cooking tonight my baby girl was sitting on the kitchen floor gazing up at me just smiling. She wanted to be close to Mama and it brought me such joy and a huge smile to my heart. My biggest concern when having a daughter was “will she like me?” So silly I know but as she continues to get older I see us sharing a beautiful bond! One like I have shared with my mom over the years but prayerfully stronger because God is at the foundation! Your blog tonight helped me begin to understand the shift you experienced in having your daughter because while I already have an amazing son having my daughter has begun to shift and awaken a new part of me! This could not have come at a more perfect time! I thank God for His divine timing! Love you amazing lady!
Shirley says09.19.13 at 11:51 pm
So happy for you.
Rena says09.21.13 at 7:39 pm
Love this…I keep these things in mind all the time with my 2 girls. Congratulations on gaining more confidence and on nurturing landyn’s!
Celeste says09.22.13 at 8:36 pm
That first paragraph describes me in my younger years exactly. I had so much to be proud of, but my confidence was practically non-existent. My transformation came right after high school graduation after breaking off a toxic relationship I’d been in for years. It’s amazing the difference your frame of mind can make.
I’m so happy for you that you are now able to open up and show everyone the amazing woman that you are! I feel that, although I’m a brand new mama, motherhood has really made me feel as if I’m finally whole and exactly who I was always meant to be. Amazing how much a little baby can change your entire world. Thank you for sharing this!
Ashley Krieger says09.24.13 at 4:59 pm
Pretty sure Landyn is the way she is because she has such an awesome mom whose used her own struggles to encourage her to grow and be confident! Love how transparent you are Lindsay! And so happy for happy you are lately friend!
Allie @ Framed by God says09.29.13 at 2:38 pm
Hi there! I loved reading your post – congratulations on the new you! It sounds like you have found a certain peace that all of us are on a journey to find, even if some of us are better hiding it than others. You know, we may always be growing into a new version of ourselves – and it’s truly a great experience. I’ve found that the best way to come into a girl’s language of insecurities and fears is through Christ…and in all honesty, it would be a difficult walk to take without him. Your little girl is precious, and she has a great mom! Blessings to you & have a great week!
Allie @ Framed by God