A mental purge on life currently

Landyn’s shirt: Mini Maude

Someone has a 4th birthday right around the corner. As I do with any birthday approaching, I have been reflecting. Reflecting on the past 4 years as her mom and all she has taught me. Reflecting on how different life is then I had originally planned out for myself. Reflecting on life currently and how some weight of single parenting has been lifted off but other expectations have been set in place. Reflecting on how different life was for me when I was her age when I was given a title I hold dear, big sister. I’m a thinker you guys. I analyze and I worry. While life in love has been perfect, life as a mom has been hard. I’m playing two roles and it leaves me feeling very two sided. For now Josh remains my best listener and will give his two sense when necessary. He is very sensitive to his role in our lives.

I’ve been clinging to my childhood really tightly lately. I’ve been flooding my mind with happy memories and traditions back when life was carefree. I’m trying to put myself in her shoes to see if I am living up to the life my parents gave me. I drove by my childhood house this week, parked my car out front and just cried. I glared at the brick wall I stood against on my first day of preschool and the sidewalk where I learned how to ride a two wheel bike. I took a picture of the gazebo peaking over the wall that my dad build with his own two hands and sent it to him. I wondered what memories have been made there since and if any other kid gets a warm fuzzy feeling when they stand outside. I’m not even sure what compelled me to go there in the first place but it was therapy. I think everyone carries a little bit of where they come from forever inside them. I find that I cling extra tight to my roots in times of trial. When Landyn has a melt down and I’m at the end of my ropes, I dig into my memory bank and ask “what did mom and dad do”. We are constantly learning as parents and I don’t think we ever have our roles perfected. There are so many days I feel completely weak. As though I am failing her. And then there are the days I pat myself on the back. I’m starting to believe that no matter where we fall short as parents, at the end of the day we are all they got. This dynamic was set to serve a purpose.

We are two weeks in over at the new place and we are all adjusting great. Josh and I have this nightly tradition after Landyn goes to bed where we sit in the hot tub and just talk. We talk about our day. Life. Our past. Struggles. Dreams. Parenting. Future. It’s been so awesome having someone to bounce life off of. I always walk away from him feeling calm and inspired. Thankful.

…….

We still take naps around here (ok most days), and if I don’t go wake her its going to make for a late night.

Happy weekend!

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